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Letter from a Zombie Researcher

Research into zombie control and abatement is alive and well, as evidenced by this letter from Emil Alvarez, a researcher based in the Midwest U.S.A.
-HP

I would like to share some of my insights on the topic of zombie extermination, specifically, methods that might be employed to reduce risk to agents and researchers in the field. First of all, I am self-taught, and my primary areas of research have been biology and animal behavior, as well as sociology. Without going into too much detail, allow me to outline a few suggestions based on my trial-and-error conclusions.

Extermination via behavioral exploitation (olfactory)

An aerosol synthetic human pheromone designed to emulate human "fight-or-flight" sympathetic nervous activity can be used to stimulate zombies. Given their poor vision, this tool can be used as:

A lure. Zombies can be lured into any sort of "tiger trap" or series of chutes, similar to what is used in the cattle industry. A sufficiently strong lure would draw bands over many miles to a central location for easy en masse extermination.
A weapon. By air-dropping the same agent on top of a band directly, the zombies' only method of identification would be negated, and they would fall upon each other, mistaking their fellows for prey. Further, this same tactic would also draw other bands to the same area (see above).

Two problems with this approach are: synthesizing a good synthetic pheromone; and dealing with weather conditions. Complications due to weather can easily be eliminated by utilizing static "baiting" methods for luring zombies into a trap. The pheromone problem is more challenging, but can be surmounted by those less squeamish. I carried out original studies in Central America by staking out prisoners who had been given death sentences. There were several control measures taken to rule out other forms of possible zombie stimulation. Given the nature of those experiments, I cannot reveal the exact location at this time. Additionally, an upshot to this same experiment revealed that frenetic activity (such as arm waving, running, jumping, etc.) seemed to be more attractive to the zombies, much like a fishing lure.

The "Deadsuit"

Using the same principle, only in reverse, the "Deadsuit" employs the suppression and filtration systems of the modern wetsuit to "remove" the human pheromone from the equation. The addition of several non-toxic plant extracts used to simulate the scent of rotting flesh transforms the wearer into a "zombie." These have functioned wonderfully in the field already, the only drawbacks being the discomfort of the wearer and restricted/difficulty in breathing due to the respirator equipment. Maximum time in the "deadsuits" has been about 3 hours, and this was the extreme limit during testing. Of course, the "deadsuits" have only been used in field research up to now. Their potential in terms of extermination has yet to be explored. Currently I am considering a "tag and release" study (again, in South America). Unfortunately, the moral implications of releasing a captured zombie has me wrestling with the possible wealth of information that could, in the future, benefit the "greater good."

Your comments and questions are anticipated and welcome. I look forward to hearing from you soon.