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Q: You have a severely warped conception of vampires. We aren't all bad...I know some of us are cruel and have done some horrible things, but there are some in every bunch...you don't see me out there hunting and killing mankind...have you ever thought about getting a vampire's side of the story? Anonymous

A: I have a great deal of sympathy for vampires. Most, after all, are victims. But I can't let that sympathy affect my vigilance. Once a person has turned, they must be destroyed without impunity. Rehabilitation is not an option. And keep in mind, vampirism is a disease, not a lifestyle choice. As for "getting a vampire's side of the story," I already have. Vampires must drink human blood, and will commit unspeakably violent acts to do so.

Vampire control has always been complicated by civilians who insist on romanticizing them. One reason I fear that a new vampire outbreak would spread quickly in today's world is that so many people would protect vampires and even willingly join their ranks. As an example, I point to a club called "Fang" that opened recently in Albuquerque not two miles from the former site of the FVZA Academy. The patrons at Fang make themselves up to resemble vampires, drink blood-red martinis and listen to nihilistic music. These types of establishments are popping up all over the place. It is appalling to me that people choose to celebrate vampirism. Sometimes I think it will take nothing less than another plague to show people the folly of their ways.

Q: What kind of agencies did other countries have to control vampires and zombies?
Nigel, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

British VIB agents
sporting primitive
vampire protection
circa 1861

A: Perhaps because of the large number of attacks in London, England was the first country to organize a specialized vampire abatement force. In 1842, Prime Minister Robert Peel created the Vampire Investigative Bureau (VIB). Like the FVZA, the VIB was initially made up of a disproportionate number of convicts. The VIB had offices at Scotland Yard until 1963. The Spanish and French, with their extensive holdings in the tropics, were leaders in zombie abatement. Few people know that the French Foreign Legion was originally formed to put down a zombie outbreak in French Guiana. Other countries relied on mercenaries for vampire and zombie control. In Japan, groups of samurai would visit embattled towns and offer their services, for a rather exorbitant fee. In Australia, the Commonwealth Special Investigation Branch, formed in 1886, lost an extraordinary 12,000 soldiers trying to rid their vast country of the undead. For information about Canadian vampire abatement, see the historical tale Fort Blood.

Q: Is it possible to be infected with the zombie and vampire viruses simultaneously?
Brent, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

A: Yes. A vampire can be infected with the zombie virus, but a zombie cannot be infected with the vampire virus, which explains the old saying that the zombie is the last stop on the Undead Express. Even if a vampire did bite a zombie, which to my knowledge has never happened, the zombie would not turn into a vampire. A vampire infected with the zombie virus is known as a Vampirozombie and retains some of its vampiric characteristics, such as fangs and night vision. Vampirozombies were very rare, as most vampires knew to stay well away from their undead brethren.

Q: Is there any truth to the vampire "slayer" legend? Marc W., Kelowna, B.C., Canada

The Order of the Slayer
in battle with vampires

A: The slayer legend, that is, the notion of a "chosen one" endowed with special gifts for killing vampires, has a kernel of truth to it. The origin of the legend rests in the Eleventh Century, at a time when Christians from countries like France and England made pilgrimages to Jerusalem to visit the birthplace of their religion. In the year 1050, Jerusalem was hit by a major vampire outbreak. A papal army managed to drive the vampires into the hills surrounding the city, where the packs found good living preying on pilgrims from Europe. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of pilgrims lost their lives to these opportunistic vampires. In response, Pope Urban II formed the Order of the Slayer in 1093. The pope asked wealthy lords from Christian nations to assemble armies to march on Jerusalem and slay the marauding vampires. After training, the lords were welcomed into the Order in a solemn religious ceremony. The Order filled its armies with volunteers who were given plots of land in return for their service. The subsequent military campaign, known as the First Vampire Crusade, was a modest success. Each new outbreak in and around Jerusalem prompted another Crusade, and the battle for the Holy City went on for almost 300 years.

After the Vampire Crusades were over, the slayers lived on in the form of medieval Slayer Guilds, which were organizations of men trained in art of fighting vampires. Since this trade, like others of that time, was passed on from father to son, there grew a notion of certain people being inherently endowed with vampire-fighting capability. This notion persists in the modern world. The chief flaw with the slayer legend in its modern incarnation is that, when it comes to fighting vampires, training and experience are far more important than any inherent ability one might possess.

Q: How do you kill vampires and zombies?
Pedro, San Diego, California

A: More misinformation surrounds this question than perhaps any other dealing with the undead. While there are a number of ways to kill vampires and zombies, each one carries with it considerable risk and none should be attempted without sufficient training. Here is a partial list of ways to kill vampires and zombies, along with the advantages and disadvantages to each method.

Method

Advantages

Disadvantages

Rifle/gun (explosive bullets)

Can kill from a distance

Difficult to target vampires in the dark; unreliable against zombies

Rifle/gun (normal bullets)

Can kill from a distance

Highly unreliable against vampires; not advisable against zombies

Incineration

100% effective for both zombies and vampires

Can take a considerable amount of time for them to die

Decapitation

Very effective, although a decapitated zombie head is still capable of biting

Unless one is expert with a sword, the vampire/zombie must be captured and restrained first

Drowning

Can be quite effective...

...if one happens to be on a large body of water

Crossbow

Can kill from a distance

Rather useless versus zombies

Knife

Cutting a vampire's spinal cord at the neck is quick and decisive

Only feasible for a true expert

Explosives

A well-placed bomb is 100% effective

Dangerous to self

Poison Gas

Can kill large packs in one well-timed release

Significant potential for collateral damage; only advisable in desperate circumstances

Conclusion: if it's vampires you want to kill, my advice is to study marksmanship, buy a high-powered rifle with explosive bullets and a good night vision scope, and set yourself up in a protected spot with a 360-degree vantage. And keep a flamethrower and a stash of hand grenades around, just in case. For zombies, the best thing to do is get in your car and drive to a place where there are no zombies. If that's not an option, then strap on a flamethrower, surround your property with explosive devices, and wait.

Q: Do vampires and zombies get colds, flu, cancer, and all the other sicknesses and diseases human beings get?
Darren, Wakefield, Massachusetts

A: Unfortunately, vampires are the very model of good health. They have low cholesterol and blood pressure and no heart disease. There has never been a reported case of a vampire having cancer. In fact, vampires who had cancer when they were bitten lose all trace of the disease within a few months after transformation. Very rarely are vampires sick, although the chemical imbalances in their brains could be called a kind of mental illness. As for zombies, colds are the least of their problems. Beset by parasitic organisms, zombies suffer from gangrene, tapeworms and caseation (the degeneration of bodily tissue into a cheese-like substance), among other things.

Q: During a recent visit to a health foods store, I was shocked to discover a skin cream called "Eternal Youth" that claimed to contain some kind of vampire by-product. What is this, and should we be alarmed?
Brenda, Bozeman, Montana

A: Eternal Youth products were developed in 1998 by John Purcell, a Canadian biochemist. Purcell heated vampire blood in order to kill the virus, then separated out and freeze-dried the blood serum.

The resultant product, known as Vampure®, has been added to everything from skin cream to dietary supplements. There is absolutely no scientific evidence to support Eternal Youth's claims that its products prolong life and help maintain a youthful appearance. Fortunately, Eternal Life products contain no active virus and are harmless to everything but your pocketbook.

Q: Can vampires survive by drinking the blood of other vampires?
Heather, Wiscasset, Maine

A: In a word, no. While there is anecdotal evidence that drinking the blood of another vampire will temporarily sate a vampire's bloodlust, vampire blood does not supply all of the proteins necessary for their survival. They must drink the blood of humans, or die. Ultimately, it is this simple equation that drives a vampire's powerful survival instinct.

In 1928, the Goessman Institute in Switzerland conducted the most exhaustive study yet of vampires. As part of the study, a total of 20 vampires were restricted to a diet of vampire blood. The vampires became lethargic and disoriented after only three days. Within 10 days, all 20 vampires were dead.

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